My love or addiction to coffee, started when I was pregnant with my last son. Some may think there are worst things to be addicted to than coffee, like drugs, alcohol, or sex, well I have my run-ins with those addictions too on some level. Coffee for me was that fuel in the morning, that I needed to get me going. When I was pregnant with my youngest son I was absolutely miserable, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, I cried all day and night and was angry and bitter. So, I was also extremely tired of 90% of my pregnancy, not just normal pregnancy fatigue, but life dragging you down tired. The kind of tiredness that leaves you feeling depleted and lifeless. I was really going through the motions of existing, mind you I have 2 other children who need me. To this day I don’t know how I got through most days without wanting to end my life. Actually, I thought about suicide on a daily basis, the only thing that stopped me at the time was knowing how much damage my death would cause to my children’s lives.
I bet you’re wondering where my coffee addiction comes in during all of this? Patience, I will tell you. Around, the 2nd trimester of all my pregnancies is when my weird cravings usually kick in. For example, with my firstborn, I drank almost a gallon of milk a day and couldn’t stand the smell or taste of meat, which for me is not normal. I actually don’t like milk at all. When I was pregnant with my second born I ate hot sauce on absolutely everything and craved salty foods, post pregnancy the hot sauce kick stayed, LOL but I am not a salt person. Now, we have my last born and I am craving oatmeal, chicken wings, bananas, and coffee every morning for breakfast. I have never liked coffee or drank it before my pregnancy, so this is a very new craving. I thought like my other cravings that I never had before, once the pregnancy ended so would my desire to drink coffee. WRONG!!! Coffee became a symbol of constant comfort in my life, something I have never really had before. Now I know you’re saying how can that be, “It’s Just Coffee”, well let me explain. When you have experienced childhood abuse and trauma, you can become easily addicted to those things that make you feel good, even if it’s not good for you. That feel-good moment can take you away from the reality of your painful life, that’s why some people turn to drugs, alcohol, or sex, they are trying to either forget the pain or numb it.
For me, coffee releases endorphins that make me feel good and energetic, both of which I needed if I was going to be a functional mother that also worked full-time and lived in a toxic marriage. Fast forward to the present day, I am now Healthy, Healed, and Whole, yet I still enjoy coffee, but now I actually enjoy the experience of taking that first sip on my back porch or sitting by my window while spending time with God. I don’t rush to get a cup of coffee but I still feel the need to have it for a sense of comfort, and that too will be soon replaced with only desiring God as my source of comfort. I am actually sipping a nice freshly grounded dark roasted espresso bean coffee, as I write this blog. I am learning to replace the things in my life that were temporary placeholders for Love, Safety, and Stability (which I lacked receiving) with God’s Love, Safety, and Stability. Did it happen overnight, NOPE, it’s been a long but necessary process.
Why am I sharing this coffee story you ask? Well, take an inventory of what you are using to fill the void of what you may be lacking: Is it someone because you don’t like the feeling of being alone, Is it alcohol because it makes you feel invincible or is it food that you use to comfort you when you are stressed. Whatever it is I encourage you to start swapping that time doing those things with time spent with God, whether it be listening to uplifting music (Praise & Worship, Gospel, Christian Rap, Etc), Reading your Bible (one scripture day like a vitamin, it will change your entire life) or just talking to him by way of prayers or journaling. Whatever you do, I want you to give God a “real chance’ to work in your life.
Here are a few scriptures to encourage you and get you started:
[Zephaniah 3:17 NLT] 17 For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
[Psalm 147:11 NLT] 11 No, the LORD’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love.
[Deuteronomy 30:9-10 NLT] 9 “The LORD your God will then make you successful in everything you do. He will give you many children and numerous livestock, and he will cause your fields to produce abundant harvests, for the LORD will again delight in being good to you as he was to your ancestors. 10 The LORD your God will delight in you if you obey his voice and keep the commands and decrees written in this Book of Instruction, and if you turn to the LORD your God with all your heart and soul.